Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
