tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
