also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
