I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
