I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Everclear isn't food dammit
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
