I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
