The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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