I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
