Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My penis needs a shock collar
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
