Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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