so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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