You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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