Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
