i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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