Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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