You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
