My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
