dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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