Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
