Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
