How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
