Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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