Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
