There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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