He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
