Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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