Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
