I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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