everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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