Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
