Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
