...so i touched it.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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