Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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