My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
