Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
