well I can't set my house on fire every night
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
