Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
