Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
