Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
