we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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