i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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