I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
