Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
