There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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