im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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