I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
