her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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