i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
