i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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