I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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