it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
