2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
