Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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