why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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