Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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