i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
