70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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