dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
