I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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