Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
